Day one

Difference between my private and public self.

Good question.  I think about it all the time.  My public self is often timed and shy.  Quick to follow a lead rather than be a trend setter.  At home, around my fiancee, I’m loud and silly, and goofy.  I laugh at my own jokes, especially stupid ones.  Some might find this part of me obnoxious.  This is not to say that either side of my selfs are mutually exclusive.  Given time, I know my so-called “real” side will come out in any given situation. It’s happened before.

I guess you could say my public self is guarded and reserved, probably out of fear.  Fear of judgment the most likely culprit.  I spent a good deal of my life being the quiet wallflower in the room and thinking back upon it makes me sad.  I remember I once spent a "date" with a girl not saying a single word!  Granted, I was 15 or something, but still!   The rush of embarrassment I feel thinking back upon that day just gives me the douche chills.

Even today, the smallest inkling of those old feelings still remain.  Even now, as I meet new people, I often find myself shaking with nervousness; a feeling of fear that I KNOW should not exist.  I have nothing to fear from this person?  Why should I be so jittery?  But it happens, and I try to deal.  I try to merge my two selves and live a whole life where there is no difference between my public and private selves.

It's a process.  A long one.  But I've taken strides since I was that 15 year old fraidy cat, but the different selves I think will always remain.

I'll write more later.  Maybe.